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Posts Tagged poop

The Poop of the Beasts

dog poop signToday I want to talk about something that plagues me on a daily occurrence. Dog Poop.

Those of you who know me may know that I have not one, but two, Bernese Mountain Dogs. Gryffin is 130 pounds of pure happiness and love. Nicky is 90 pounds of medicated hyperactivity. I love them both, but I really love Gryffin. He is the best dog ever. But there is one area in which Nicky beats Gryffin. Poop.

If you are a dog owner, or a parent, you can understand the ability and desire to discuss poop. Poop is indicative of overall health. Physical, emotional, mental. It is the essence of the being. You see, Nicky has his issues (please see Yes My Dog is Crazy if you haven’t read it already), but in the poop department, he is king. Regular, perfectly shaped, excellent consistency, not too hard or too soft, not overwhelming in size. And the best part is that he poops in the yard every day without fail and NEVER poops on a dog walk. And since I live the life of a princess, we have someone who comes pick up the poop in the yard and take it away twice a week so I NEVER have to pick up Nicky poop. Ever. That is perfection.

Gryffin, however, poops every time we take a walk. Which is every day. It’s as if he can only find comfort in pooping on someone else’s lawn. So a daily part of my life is picking up his poop and carrying it home with me. Now, here’s the thing. Gryffin has food allergies. If he eats a bite of something he shouldn’t, his poop falls apart. And then, too, so does my day. Easy, one might say. Just make sure he only eats what he is supposed to. Yes. That sounds right. But the only food that doesn’t make Gryffin sick is Hydrolized Soy Protein. So any bite of food that falls from anyone’s hands, anything that’s left on a coffee table, any tempting piece of morsel – runny poop. Cheese, milk, any dairy, pork, chicken, fish, duck, venison, we’ve tried it all. The only protein we haven’t tried is kangaroo. I like kangaroos. I can’t believe it is a dog food. But we’re not buying it. Might as well be called “cute furry creatures”. So in the meantime, poop.

I’ve come up with a system for rating my poop days. Remember, Gryffin is 130 pounds. So he has poop the size of a human. Sometimes more than any normal human. So in order to have an easy time of picking it up, despite whatever size it may be, it needs to have a consistency of perfection. That makes it possible to use the first piece of poop to pick up the other pieces of poop, sort of like stacking pieces of playdough against each other. This is what gives me joy.

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Why Scientific Studies of Stupid Things are Stupid

5791732429_5f2652a397_bI have decided that one of two things must happen: Either I must stop reading articles about anything resembling something smart or a scientific study (and perhaps just focus on things my brain can apparently handle like “Spice Up Your Kitchen Colors!” or “She’s left him and she’s PREGNANT” which are the only other magazine choices in the grocery store) OR, I need to understand these scientific study for what they are worth – HUMOR. Because no one can live seriously after reading any of sort of this pop science and how it affects real life nowadays.

What set me off this time was what I read in a magazine about healthy eating and grocery bags.  Apparently they had done a scientific study and tested reusable shopping bags from various homes to see if there was poop in them. Not kidding. This was right next to the recipe for how to make kale edible, which I’d like to know, because it isn’t, and I’d like it to be.  Now, before we get to the point of the study, I’d like to talk about the hierarchy of grocery bags. If you don’t do the grocery shopping then go ahead and go back to reading the Economist or whatever. This is important.

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